It Happened

I knew this day would come and I knew it would totally suck and I was right. I played with Asher and Soren this morning and they woke up cuter than when they went to bed--they are very magical babies. I knew that saying goodbye would again produce tears and sobs of frustration, which it did. I put Soren in our antique exer-saucer hoping that would pacify him while I walked away but he's smart and he knew I was leaving. His tears broke my heart so I picked him up just as Chon walked into the room.

What did he do? He REACHED for Chon.


My already broken heart shattered into a million billion pieces. Soren has never even reached for me. This day was inevitable and yet the emotional preparation was impossible. I don't ever want to be ready for my children to prefer someone else to me (I'm talking care taker here and don't want to be mistaken for one of those creepy moms who are threatened by their son's girlfriends, wives, etc.).

WOE is me.

Memorial Day

Cemeteries are places of beauty, wonder, and most often, sorrow.



Entrance to the Alexandria National Cemetery, which is only about a mile from our house.

One of many, many headstones for unknown soldiers.

Chon watched Asher and Soren for a few hours on Memorial Day so Jamie and I could spend some time together. My ideas for our date were totally lame and involved window shopping and eating Mexican food. Jamie surprised and impressed me by starting our 'date' with a trip to the Alexandria National Cemetery. We quietly walked around, enjoying the exquisite weather and solemn surroundings. He led us to a row of 'Unknown soldier' headstones and read a Walt Whitman poem. The setting, the poem, and the holiday forced many forgotten emotions to surface and I was grateful to feel so alive and so in love. Jamie offered a memorial to his recently passed grandfather. I followed with a memorial to my deceased Grandpa and my beloved Aunt Candy. I had never done such a thing and although I felt inadequate, I also felt liberated to verbally express thanks to Grandpa for being such a hard working and wonderful example and to thank Aunt Candy for loving so much.

I'm selfish. I want Memorial Day to always be an 'object' lesson of sorts for Asher and Soren. I want it to be a day to remember their deceased relatives and to acknowledge the sacrifice of our nation's military but I hope it NEVER becomes a day to remember their own father, a casualty of a violent and unwanted war.

Come Up From the Fields, Father
by
Walt Whitman

Come up from the fields father, here's a letter from our Pete,
And come to the front door mother, here's a letter from thy dear son.
Lo, 'tis autumn,
Lo, where the trees, deeper green, yellower and redder,
Cool and sweeten Ohio's villages with leaves fluttering in the
moderate wind,
Where apples ripe in the orchards hang and grapes on the trellis'd vines,
(Smell you the smell of the grapes on the vines?
Smell you the buckwheat where the bees were lately buzzing?)
Above all, lo, the sky so calm, so transparent after the rain, and
with wondrous clouds,
Below too, all calm, all vital and beautiful, and the farm prospers well.
Down in the fields all prospers well,
But now from the fields come father, come at the daughter's call.
And come to the entry mother, to the front door come right away.
Fast as she can she hurries, something ominous, her steps trembling,
She does not tarry to smooth her hair nor adjust her cap.
Open the envelope quickly,
O this is not our son's writing, yet his name is sign'd,
O a strange hand writes for our dear son, O stricken mother's soul!
All swims before her eyes, flashes with black, she catches the main
words only,
Sentences broken, gunshot wound in the breast, cavalry skirmish,
taken to hospital,
At present low, but will soon be better.
Ah now the single figure to me,
Amid all teeming and wealthy Ohio with all its cities and farms,
Sickly white in the face and dull in the head, very faint,
By the jamb of a door leans.
Grieve not so, dear mother, (the just-grown daughter speaks through
her sobs,
The little sisters huddle around speechless and dismay'd,)
See, dearest mother, the letter says Pete will soon be better.
Alas poor boy, he will never be better, (nor may-be needs to be
better, that brave and simple soul,)
While they stand at home at the door he is dead already,
The only son is dead.
But the mother needs to be better,
She with thin form presently drest in black,
By day her meals untouch'd, then at night fitfully sleeping, often waking,
In the midnight waking, weeping, longing with one deep longing,
O that she might withdraw unnoticed, silent from life escape and withdraw,
To follow, to seek, to be with her dear dead son.

Soren and His Filial Peeps

The size difference between seven month old Soren and three month old Grace! I love Soren's little boy shape and Grace's petite little girl frame.

Soren was LOVING his Aunt Amberlyn and Uncle Brent. Utah was nearly an endless series of laughs for Soren thanks to the creative amusements of Uncle Brent--what a fun uncle!

Brent brought out the best laughs in Soren!

Hannah and Her Cousins

Asher likes to run his fingers through hair--sometimes the hair gets tangled. No one seems to mind...

It looks like Soren and Hannah have been best pals for a LONG time.

Hannah is such a sweet cousin! She enjoyed playing with Asher and Soren and didn't seem bothered when Asher tried to eat her hair. I love having Hannah as a niece and I love seeing her as a cousin.

Diamond Fork Canyon

While in Utah we took a drive up Diamond Fork Canyon, which is a place I used to frequent a LOT in high school (and college?) but only at night and to hike to the hot pots. The hot pots were a series of warm sulfurous ponds perfect for hanging out--it was a good night when we got there early enough to avoid the naked hipies blasting Bob Marley.

Anyway, seeing Diamond Fork during the day stunned me! I had no idea it was such a beautiful piece of Southern Utah and only ten minutes from Spanish Fork. The landscape was exquisite--a peaceful valley ribboned with a slight stream and red soil punctuated by glorious mountains. There is so much to love about Utah and every time I visit I discover or rediscover new things to love about my home state.

A Tearful Farewell

Having a four day weekend was wonderful for all the time it allowed together as a family and with such beautiful weather! My only problem with a four day weekend is the increased sadness I felt last night. I always get the 'Sunday Night Blues' and I had some serious blues last night and already missed my babies--after they went to bed I stood by their cribs and watched their glorious little beings sleep. Every detail about them was beautiful--their perfect little breaths, their sweet side sleeping positions, their proximity to one another, and the knowledge that I was blessed to be THEIR mom. Do you ever watch your babies sleep? Their innocence and sweetness is intoxicating. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by my love for them--to the point where I have no way to express my love other than falling to my knees to thank God for giving me Asher and Soren.

I couldn't help myself this morning so I gave Asher and Soren a 'proper' farwell. Both were awake so I snatched the opportunity to hold each of them and cover them with kisses. I helped Soren stand in his crib so he could dance and jump, jump, jump, which is his new favorite way to use his legs. When I put him back in the crib, his world quickly crashed and only tears could adequately express his anguish at being abandoned.

Asher was also ridiculously adorable as we looked at the birdies (they love their mobile) and peered out the window at the tree. When I put him back in his crib he too was devastated. I had a chorus of babies crying in agony. I bid them farewell and said, "I love you Asher and Soren. Mommy is now going to go kill herself." Clearly, there was a LOT of drama going on in the nursery. I didn't kill myself but I sure felt tortured to leave them and once again rued our time apart.

A Day of MANY Firsts

The view of Georgetown from TR Island...stunning!

The swamp decorated with golden irises.

My babies!!! 

The bridge to the island.

I think Soren preferred the taste of carrots that HE fed himself.

Saturday was a busy, fun day! Jamie and I took Asher and Soren to their first church activity: Elders' Quorum pancake breakfast. The morning was glorious and felt very 'Utahn' with it's bright blue sky and breezy coolness. Walking to church in the new stroller was also good times--we are lucky to be within walking distance of church.

 Asher and Soren had carrots for the first time! My neighbor Ali was super generous and gave us some fresh carrots that she had made that morning.  I was pleased that Asher agreed to a few bites and Soren...he loves food and is always pleasing me with his many bites of food. Such cuties!

We took Asher and Soren to Teddy Roosevelt Island, which was our first real experience 'recreating' this spring. The walk around the island was a perfect distance and the feeling of wild isolation was much needed. We saw loads of wild life! A crane, squirrels, several blue salamanders, and little fish. My soul needed that little piece of wilderness and to be outdoors with my family was truly invigorating and wonderful. 

The last of many firsts for the day was Asher and Soren's first birthday party. Their little friend Logan turned one and his party was a blast! Pretty much the adults were entertained with excellent food and the kids had a plethora of toys to enjoy. Yay for parties and double yay for firsts with Asher and Soren.

Getting Caught UP

Asher...this kid gets cuter by the minute. 

Lisa...LOVE her! She's such a fun and wonderful sis. Here she is feeding miss Lucy.

Gage looking professionally cute in his tuxedo.

I'm forever trying to get caught up on posting photos--here are a few fun ones from our last Bristol trip. 

She Makes Me Lucky

My sis. I'm so lucky to be her sister! She's such a kind, creative, innovative, thoughtful, helpful, generous, and happy person. I'm grateful that she is an experienced and knowledgeable mother and is so willing to offer guidance as I figure out how to be a good mom.

The other night Soren was super fussy and the way he was kicking his legs and crying indicated that he was in pain. It wasn't until I changed his diaper and discovered a diaper rash so horrific it looked like his little buns had chemical burns. My heart was seized with horror--how had I let his happen, if only I were at home with him all day, and what was I going to do? Immediately I called Amberlyn and she calmly instructed me to give him a bath and douse his buns with neosporin and corn starch.

I followed her advice and Soren splashed in the tub with relief and glee! He went to bed freshly tended and comforted.

Thank you Amberlyn, for ALWAYS being the best sister and for knowing how to soo successfully love and guide me.

Asleep at the Pump

I fell asleep for a good 15 minutes while pumping this afternoon. The warmth of the room and the rhythmic whir of the pump coupled with Asher and Soren's desire to play and cry all night long that left me vulnerable.

It's pitiful but I'll take whatever sleep I can get! Even hooked up to a milk pumping machine like a big ole piece of caged cattle.

Get Those Toys Out of My Face!

When Asher gets annoyed with his toys he thrashes his hands and swats them out of his face-- as

 seen in this video!

My Thunderous CRASH

Early Sunday morning, like 4 am-ish, I groggily bounded down the stairs to collect bottles for pumping and somehow I was awesome enough to lose my footing and FALL down the stairs. Fortunately I didn't tumble but the skid down the carpeted steps left me bruised, scraped, bleeding a little, freaked out, and ultimately, grateful that I WAS NOT holding a baby babe. Jamie came sprinting out of the room asking if I was okay. I later learned that he feared a baby had somehow fallen out of the crib--that would have been horrible!

Pretty much it sucked to fall and I am still sore and tender to the touch.

The last time (and only OTHER time) I fell down the stairs was shortly after discovering I was pregnant...again, awesome.

The Votes are In

100 percent of poll respondents (n=7) voted that it is OK to put a blanket in the crib with a baby. Jamie insists that a blanket will cause SIDS and I guess I share a bit of that fear so Asher and Soren haven't slept with blankets since they were tiny and immobile enough to be swaddled. I love the idea of a blanket in the crib...they have some beautiful blankets.

I can't wait to present my 'research' to the hubs.

Asher on the couch

Asher in his NICU crib. This kid was so freaking adorable and endearingly sized from the beginning and his beauty only grows.

Asher on the couch showing off his blue eyes and super cutes PLUS his ability to sit unassisted.

Asher sitting with the support of pillows.

Asher, cutes, you are amazing me with your baby skills and adorableness. Love you so much!

Molls!

Jamie, Soren, Sebastian, and Asher.

Soren's new 'thing' is to squint his eyes and smile his huge smile--it is really cute and so characteristic of how much FUN life is to him.

The ladies with their babies--Miss Mia has loads of adorable hair and only made my babies look even balder. Whoa--hello white knees!


My Alexandria BFF, Molly, was in town for a few days so I had the joy of reuniting with her, Sebastian, and of meeting her daughter Mia for the first time! Seeing Sebastian as a little boy full of questions and things to say was really fun because he is pretty much captured in my mind as the cutest little baby babe ever. Mia looks just like Sebastian and it was fun to have a little girl baby in the house. Molly looked ab fab, as usual, and she was a huge help in the kitchen as I struggled to manage two hungry babies and cook dinner.

Miss you Molly and wish you still lived on Mt. Vernon.

Robbed

I had to work late tonight--an absolute rarity for me and it was torture to lose TWO precious hours with my babies. When I got home my heart was made tender by the scene of Jamie playing with Asher and Soren. They were all chill (well, except for Asher who felt punished by dad for being forced to lie on his stomach) and having a blast. I saved Asher from his tummy and marveled at the carefree nature of Soren's movement! He was rolling all over the place and pausing occasionally to kick a foot or chatter some new sounds. I'm confident that Soren was pretty much the cutest I have EVER seen him, which only furthered my sadness at losing that precious time with them today.

Bedtime was extremely easy tonight. After sucking down their bottles (Soren held his the ENTIRE time) both boys were asleep as soon as I gave them their taggy and we snuggled. I was relieved that after being home a week they seemed back on schedule but I was also sad that their day was over. 

8 Months Old and Kind of a Big Deal

Such thoughtful, handsome babies.

I love those little baby hands!

Pretty much green beans were a mega disappointment to Soren and an insult to Asher but the new bibs were fun!

The scene of a little person so stinking busy with a handful of toys is one of the most delightful to witness each day. It amazes me how entertained Asher and Soren are by the same toys day after day. They have started to lunge for toys, which in their awkward transitional stage of not quite crawling can leave them stranded and screaming.

Asher lunged for a toy and fell out of his bobby. He let me know that he was not happy with his new position by letting out a high pitched pteradactyl screech. So cute!

Asher and Soren are well into 8 months and as usual, they are pretty stinking cute!

Eight months has brought two new teeth for Soren, increased 'talking' for both babies, and loads of rolling around. They are now eating (read: rejecting) cereal on a daily basis and it seriously feels like they are growing up trapped in a warped speed. Slow it down baby babes!

Holding them continues to be one of my favorite activities and I love to see the curve of their beautiful heads cradled in my arms. Soren has become increasingly snuggly at night and I am grateful for his increased affinity for closeness. His long, strong body transforms into a malleable little form when I hold him as he drifts to sleep. I love the reddish tint to his hair and eyebrows. Soren has a fabulous smile and when he laughs--his entire body laughs and you just want to join in the fun. 

Asher resonates with sweetness. He is such a gentle little soul and once I hold him I never want to let go. I love the caramel sweet scent of his breath and the crinkle in his nose when he smiles his grand smile. He is starting to roll over more and when he does Jamie and I cheer him on with so much clapping and shouting that he kicks and shakes with intense pleasure at his accomplishment. Asher usually wakes up with a smile and loves to busy himself with the discovery and rediscovery of all the ribbons on his taggy.

As the mother of twins I find myself wishing for the ability to split each moment into two--one for Asher and one for Soren. Often I want to suspend the simple, happy moments of just being with my family so that I can give each child the love, attention, affection, and adoration each deserves and would get as a singleton. When I lament that I simply cannot do this I am comforted by the miracle of being a twin--of having a sibling companion for life. Asher and Soren definitely share an affection for one another and those moments when they notice each other and giggle and smile because of that relationship, I feel like the most loved and blessed mom for having birthed such a miracle.

I love you Asher and Soren! Thanks for making me a mom.