Broken Falls

Recently I have been feeling terribly inadequate as a mother--the miserable heat of summer coupled with prenatal exhaustion had forced me to recognize my limits as a mother and I have not been comfortable with the results...and then this happened:



Asher's mangled temple.


Yay! He ate a popsicle!


Feeling better and even a little silly.


It's difficult not to cry every time I see his wounds.


The hospital bracelet.


Jamie and I were walking back to our car after an indulgent lunch with the boys. Asher was feeling heavy so I hoisted him onto my shoulders and we were having a grand time laughing and leisurely making our way back to the car. Suddenly I find myself tripping over Soren and unable to steady myself I went DOWN with my sweet, unsuspecting child on my shoulders. EVERY time I relive that moment, which has been nigh unto a million times today, my stomach drops because it feels like it has been torn away from me. The stomach dropping feeling is horrible, especially when one is pregnant.

All I really remember is looking up to see Asher face first on the asphalt. I peeled my sweet son off of the ground and found a battered face already bruised bright blue with blood trickling down his ear and cheek. I reluctantly handed him to Jamie and painfully picked myself up. We might as well have been blindsided by a car because in a mere moment Soren was down, I was down, Asher was on his face, and my shoe was several yards away. How did that happen? Why did it happen? Why did I suggest going out to lunch? Why did I put Asher on my shoulders? Why couldn't I have miraculously steadied myself?

Fortunately, Soren was fine. My knee broke my fall and sadly, Asher's left temple broke his so we sped right to the ER. Every time I looked back at Asher my stomach did that old drop routine and I had to cover my face as I sobbed. I couldn't shake the horror of what had happened and listening to Asher wail in that tone only known to someone who has been greatly hurt--was absolutely terrifying.

We did not wait long for attention at the ER. Both Asher and I were checked in because my knee was throbbing like it was going to explode and oh yeah, I'm practically in my third trimester of pregnancy. To be honest though, all of that was secondary to my concern for Asher.

The PA assigned to us suggested that Asher get a CT because his wound was on a very delicate part of his head. The slight mention of brain damage caused me to nearly have a seizure because of all my fears, that one had not even surfaced. Asher could have permanent brain damage because of this? Please NO. Jamie went with him to get the CT and they bound him to a little wooden board and he was perfectly still and composed for the procedure. The results showed no damage so that was a relief but then Asher started throwing up and I knew that was not a good sign. We were kept in the ER for several hours so Asher could be observed and there was some talk of having him spend the night. I cradled my brave son while he slept for almost two hours. We were finally discharged and of course Asher threw up just as we were heading out the door.

As soon as we got home Asher perked up and was suddenly running around and playing with Soren. He even had plenty of water and some food to eat. Jamie called a good friend of ours to help him administer Asher a blessing. I am hopeful that Asher will recover and that his energy tonight is a sign of his good health.

I am tired and sore and fighting the persistence of my memory to relive that moment. I have heavy boots and heavy guilt but I am also tremendously grateful for the enormity of blessings during heart ache.

Play Space

Did you even know that playing in the mesh pocket of a Subaru is wildly fun? First the boys drove their little cars along the edge of the Subaru but then they took the fun inside the car. Asher and Soren are constantly surprising me with their ideas and their love for playing in confined spaces.

Get Well Designs

The other night I asked Asher and Soren to help me make 'Get Well Better' cards for grandpa. Asher immediately drew a fan clock and Soren asked me to draw a broken ladder. I laughed at Soren's request and drew a very rudimentary broken ladder. Next Soren asked me to fix the ladder so I drew some tape on the ladder. He was satisfied momentarily then he asked me to draw a ladder next to a house. I produced a very simple ladder next to a very simple house. Next Soren asked me to draw grandpa on the ladder, on the roof, and falling off of the ladder. OH MAN did I laugh!

After drawing the three stick figure grandpas Soren asked me to put a small and a big bandaid on the fallen grandpa. I did. Soren then asked me to draw a 'tiny, tiny and a small, small bandaid.' It cracked me up to hear Soren use my phrases and in my exact same intonation for his band-aid request.

I'm not sure that a visual reminder, however elementary, of one's fall off a ladder is going to inspire one to 'get well soon' but it was sure fun creating said visual.

The Latest: Gears

One of Asher's fan clocks!



Ever since Asher was a little guy, I mean a really little guy, he has had a passion for clocks and fans. His passion has been manifested through drawings, discussions, and a very keen eye for all things clock and fan related. Added to his clock and fan interest is a new love for GEARS. Every day we hear some mention of gears and he finds them EVERYWHERE--on his toys, in the car, and on objects all around us. I had no idea gears were so common!

Asher has added gears to his repertoire of favorite objects to draw. His conceptualization of them is impressive. Of all the things in a little two-year-olds world, I am moved by his interest in such sophisticated objects. Jamie and I are in the process of creating a new room for Asher and Soren. So far I have collected three vintage table fans, two gear prints, a train print, and a plane print. It's exciting to take cues from my own children about how to decorate their room rather than force a theme on them.

What do your children love?

Tiger Stripes

Soren modeling his tiger stripes!






Asher felt impressed to not just model but demonstrate the stripe making process.


So creative.


The obviously proud pops.


Sooooooo cute.


Roughly a half hour before church started Asher and Soren requested to color with markers. I knew the threat for disaster was high but I was willing to take that risk because, well, the markers were washable. I did not expect such a presentation! Suddenly we noticed that Asher and Soren have traded paper for skin. Soren exclaims, "Look at my tiger stripes!" We couldn't help but appreciate his cleverness!

The tiger stripes washed away easily but we did have to change shirts at the last minute...

Stay and Talk to Me

Asher makes this request each evening as Jamie and I say goodnight to the boys. Usually I am too tired to stay and engage their imaginations but when I do the yield is rewarding. It seems like Asher and Soren want to open up at nighttime, if only to keep us in the room, and discuss their observations for the day. They will recall recent experiences and add a flair and charm that only a two-year-old could add to such events. Last night Soren told Jamie that his friend Jonas was funny because Jonas hit Soren in the face and it made him (Soren) laugh. My heart sank when I heard this...why does there seem to be a shortage of the non-hitting, non-mean type of toddler?

We moved Asher and Soren into their new room so we could paint the nursery. I think the boys have the best room in the house--one wall is almost entirely windows and they have such a lovely view of our front tree. This morning Asher woke up and noticed a squirrel in the tree, which caused great excitement! Soren declared that Asher had woken up the squirrel and they both seemed disappointed when it disappeared.

I am always ready for bedtime when it comes and yet I always miss Asher and Soren when they are asleep.

Water Balloon Days

HOT is not even descriptive enough to describe the weather we have been suffering this summer. If I could combine sweltering, insufferable, excessive, unrelenting, and unwanted then perhaps a proper description could be produced.

Water is a pretty decent remedy to the heat so Asher and Soren were introduced to water balloons this past week. Oh the fun! In all of their sweet two-year-oldness, they were happy to just toss the balloons at the ground and watch them explode. Soren is the only one who showed any interest in tossing them at Asher or me. Asher was always a good sport when balloons were thrown towards him--even if he did take shelter behind the maple tree. Asher loved it when a water balloon had a little hole with water spraying out because he would use that stream of water to create patterns on the fence--clever swirls and even several S's!

Soren asked if he could throw a water balloon at my face. Isn't he kind to ask? I told him that it was not okay to throw water balloons at faces. He then asked if it was okay to throw them at pee pees and bums? Oh boy.

I love watching my little boys play and when they are naked--oh the cuteness! Their perfect little bodies easily reveal their innocence and youthfulness. I am so grateful they are healthy and happy and thriving--even in this wretched heat.

Soren Says "Hi!" to Grandpa

My dad fell off of a ladder as he was trying to get down from the roof on Friday. He landed on a planter on his back. No bones were broken but muscles were torn and strained in his back. We are praying for a very quick recovery!

Flight Booked

Last night Jamie and I bought FOUR tickets to Utah for next January (I never thought the day would come when I would think it was an absolute STEAL to buy four direct flights for $1K). By then it will have been nearly TWO years since our last visit. We are elated about seeing family, friends, and those mountains.

Asher and Soren are possibly more excited because they ask regularly to fly on a plane. This morning Soren cried because I had to work and pleaded for me to take him with me, in the loaner car (Jamie's car needed massive repairs so Asher and Soren LOVED the white Subaru Forrester loaner car). Little man wanted to get away! I could totally relate and wished I could have taken him on a little adventure. When I told him we no longer had the loaner car he asked if we could go for a ride in a cab. He's so cute.

Anyway...early next year we'll be packing up our THREE kids and mountains of luggage, car seats, and strollers to see our loved ones out west. Yay!

26 weeks

FEEL pregnant. My belly is huge and maternity clothes I thought would see me through this pregnancy already feel too small. I wore my favorite pants to work on Monday and I felt like they were going to cut me in half. This is largely explained by all the lousy weight I have gained. Ever since my last scolding from Dr. Tchabo I have tried to manage my diet and I step on the scale faithfully every morning. I maintained my weight successfully for two weeks but this week EVERY time I stepped on the scale I had gained a pound--that is three pound for this week only! I have 98 days left in this pregnancy! I don't want to gain 98 more pounds! What the?!

t occurred to me yesterday that I am only two weeks away from the THIRD trimester, which could explain why I am finally starting to feel pregnant. My nose is HUGE and I am spreading every where but I am healthy and I continue to insist that having one baby babe is much easier than having two. We are painting the nursery this weekend so I can start putting together the new space for the new life we'll be nurturing this October.

aby girl is very regular in her movements--always giving me the shimmy shakes in the morning, late afternoon, and late at night. I wish I felt her move ALL day long. Usually in the evening I feel a tightening in my stomach and I felt that sensation much earlier with Asher and Soren's pregnancy.

tarting next week I have prenatal appointments every two weeks! Crazy! I am also finally in the 'less than 100 days' period of the pregnancy. Woo hoo! Friends, I have been pregnant since January. I have been pregnant ALL year but it feels like I have been pregnant for two years!

The Tender Twos

October 2008!

These dudes. In an effort to organize the nursery I came upon their first Halloween costumes. Immediately Asher and Soren wanted to wear them--even if they were a tight fit and a little tiny. Almost two year later--just as cute! It's amusing to think that Asher wasn't even walking when he wore his mouse costume!

I know every mother adores her children and thinks they are extraordinary (at least, I hope) but I must say--those feelings are very real and very powerful for me. I feel fortunate to have so much love and admiration for my children and to think they are so amazingly cute. I am in awe of Asher's happiness and his sense of humor and I am in awe of Soren's tenderness and his memory and ability to make associations beyond his years. I love that they are friends and play well together (biting and shoving aside) and produce so much shared laughter.

More than just loving my boys I LIKE them. I think they are fun company and I appreciate that they are not unmanageable or wild or mean. They are generous with their friendship and affection and I hope those are qualities they continue to develop and maintain as they mature.

I learned this past weekend that they have a genuine capacity to comfort. I cried in front of Asher and Soren, for the first time EVER. At first they thought it was funny but when I didn't stop crying they realized something was wrong. Quickly they asked, "Are you sad mommy?" I told them I was sad. "Do you hurt? Where does it hurt mommy?" I explained that daddy had made me sad so Asher asked, "Did daddy push you?" My laughter was mingled with more tears because they were suddenly wiping away my tears and covering me with hugs and kisses. Is it possible that two-year-olds could be filled with such a pure desire to make someone suffering feel better? Yes, it is possible. Their sweetness only made me cry more. Eventually I composed myself but throughout the day they liked to make sure I was happy, having not forgotten the huge scene I made in front of them.

Sometimes I wonder how much of their personality is just THEM and how much is influenced by Jamie, Jang, myself, and their other associations. It's hard to tell but I am increasingly learning that little of their charm and sweetness can be associated with me. It's all them and I love them for it.

Pretty Pretty

I love this wall!

Sleep Habits

Perhaps you should consider this sleep position--looks cozy, no?!


I love this kid.


Ever since liberating Asher and Soren from their cribs I have found them sleeping in a number of surprising positions and places. Sometimes they use their mattress as a pillow rather than a bed and sometimes their feet are up on the wall or often they are completely off of their mattresses. I love scooping them up and settling them back into bed with a kiss on the cheek and a blanket. I feel like I get to enjoy their sleeping serenity more now that they aren't contained in crib--I enjoy checking on them and being near them in their slumbery perfection.

Tonight I looked into their bedroom was so confused--in the darkness I couldn't find Asher! After my eyes adjusted I realized he had his head resting on the bed but it was UNDER a Peter Rabbit book! I immediately raced down two levels to bring Jamie up to see the scene. He is the one who suggested photographing the crazy cute position.

Asher had been particularly chatty after bedtime and now I know that he had been 'reading' books out loud to Soren. After a busy day of no naps and an active afternoon at the water park he clearly READ himself to sleep. What I also love is that even under a book he still has his taggy!

(No, Asher is not using the book to shield his eyes from the LIGHT in his room. It was pretty much pitch black until my flash did it's trickery---amazing, no?)

Shorn

They'll humor me with photos for a few seconds but then it's always back to business: play, play, play.











I knew that with Jamie's return would come a trip to the barber shop. See, I like the long, even borderline mullet, look of Asher and Soren's hair. Jamie likes it a little tidier. Every time my boys sit in those large barber chairs and their gorgeous hair falls to the floor I want to weep for the time that seems robbed. I can't argue against the comeliness of their boyish looks after a hair cut because I think they look absolutely stunning and charming. It does bother me that they seem so much more grown up...like they'll be starting kindergarten THIS fall. Sigh.

I wish you could see them at the barber shop--they sit perfectly still and hardly make a move or a sound. They look so tiny in those over sized chairs and their patience and courage make me even more grateful that they are MINE but I also marvel at how absolutely wonderful they are, independent of anything to do with me.

Soren whined the entire drive to the Barber's that he didn't want to get his hair cut. The fact that he sat in the chair immediately upon arriving and made no complaint made me even more proud of his accomplishment. It's kind of a big deal, right? An old man with noisy equipment practically in their faces taking their hair off? It could be terrifying.

After their hair cuts we took them to get custard for a treat. We got a pint of mint oreo for them and a pint of lime ginger sorbet for US. Asher couldn't be bothered by ANY of it and Soren was passionate about the lime! He and I ate nearly the entire pint and I was again proud of his preference for the refreshing crispness of such a satisfying flavor.

The Nursery: Color

This is the color that will cover the nursery walls. I LOVE it. We'll use various yellow, pink, and red accents. While my mom was here we picked out fabric for a lovely bird quilt in yellows, pinks, and reds. I was inspired by this calendar print and would like to make my own kind of wall hanging based on the colors and pattern:

We'll paint next weekend and in the meantime we are trying to choose the best bunkbeds (separated for now, of course) for Asher and Soren. It is time for them to leave the nursery.

Last night before going to bed I checked on the boys and found a massive NEST of goodies piled on the floor with the 'garage door' (read: closet door) open and Asher passed out on his bed like he had just completed a day's worth of trench digging. I laughed as I sifted through the pile and tidied the room. The boys need a new space--one with more room, big boy beds, and a 'garage' that can be LOCKED.

25 Weeks

I am actually starting to feel pregnant! Aside from looking huge and very pregnant, I am starting to feel the weight of my growing baby babe. Last night I even had a tightening in my womb that inspired a string of unwanted thoughts--what if this baby babe comes early and we have to suffer the agony of the NICU again? I'm just not used to feeling this pregnancy beyond the marvelous flutter of baby movements. Dr. Tchabo said I was getting too fat and to stop gaining weight. Ugh.

I had a sonogram on Friday but it was a truncated procedure because the doctor was occupied with another patient. We saw enough to see that she's growing perfectly and beautifully. It was fun to see her fingers totally spread out.

I'm super excited for this baby babe and to see her and watch her grow. My friend Tarah summed up pregnancy perfectly when she said you spend the first half wondering if it is a boy or a girl and the second half wondering what he or she will look like!

I asked Asher today what we should call the baby and he yelled, "Aunt Lisa!"

The Daily Walk

Balloon fun!




The many angles of Asher's cuteness.












Snack! Soren asked if we were on a picnic because of all the snacks.


"I'm a mountain goat mommy!"








Asher running like a pups.

Every morning Jang takes the boys on a walk. Unless it is raining heavily they go on this daily pilgrimage to the duck pond. I had the luxury of experiencing this ritual on Friday afternoon. Jang carefully packs a bag full of snacks and water to keep them nourished while they recreate. There are three stops that make the walk: the pool, the hill, and the pond. It felt like an archeological discovery to come to each stop and find remnants of my children. At the first stop there was an old pool cleaning tool full of tiny sticks. I asked Soren if he put the sticks there and he said, "No, Asher put the sticks there." Sure enough, Asher came running around the corner and commenced playing with this little object and added more sticks to the collection, as if yesterday's visit were not a day ago but moments ago. At the second stop there was a pile of small rocks next to a large rock. Soren immediately ran to them and described them as his treasure and that he needed a treasure chest for them. He then said he was going on a treasure hunt with a happy bear and that the bear was going to make pancakes with honey on them because bears like honey.

Friends, I was in heaven sharing this little piece of daily imagination with my children. Their creativity and sense of wonder are powerful aspects of their remarkable personalities and there is something about being OUTSIDE that liberates their imagination.

At the first stop I tied a balloon (that Asher insisted on bringing) to the tree and it was a huge source of entertainment as they hugged it, tossed it, stole it from one another, and spun around with it. Kids are so awesome. Jang whipped out some oat groates sweetened with fresh peaches and blueberries. She fed them as they played--it's a sweet life when you can play and be fed all at once. I'm grateful it's their life.

I feel inclined to say it again: two-year-olds are phenomenally cute and winsome. It has been a delight having TWO of them at once and two that are such sweet friends. There is a true tenderness in their affection for one another. Earlier that morning I left the house for a doctor's appointment and Asher was absolutely undone at my departure. He cried and cried. Soren told him that I had gone to see the doctor. Asher said, "Not go to the doctor!" Soren ran to him, wiped his tears, and gave him a comforting hug. Jang recounted all of this with admiration. I'm so relieved they have each other.