Sloane

It doesn't matter what she does, it's my favorite. Lying on a blanket? My favorite.

Easter Decor

This winter Jamie became a hobby fire maker. He purchased a massive amount of cut fire wood and had all sorts of kindling and tools to make his fires. It was wonderful to benefit from his hobby and to have crackling, warm fires throughout such a long and cold winter. Seems like we had fires well into spring since we had the wood and the cold!

One afternoon I cut out a bunch of paper eggs and had the kids paint them. I love seeing how they mix colors and patterns because they are so much more liberal in their creations. Also, they are gifted with color. It's great that they are old enough to respect the painting process and not mix all the colors into one big glop of brown ugliness. 

Sloane's REFUSAL to Nurse EVER Again

Maeve LOVED to nurse. Like, it was her favorite thing and she loved it so much she started to demand it in public places like church and that got embarrassing so finally at 18 months I knew it was time to wean. She was not happy about it and either was I but it was time. Sloane, on the other hand, never really liked nursing. She'd do it but never seemed to love it and was easily distracted and wouldn't stay on long. She's get things going then pull away and leave me flooded with my own milk. She was fickle too and often wouldn't nurse on one side for days at a time. All of this meant getting her down for naps and bedtime were very easy since she didn't need nursing for comfort and when she was tired she was tired! Get me to my freaking bed.

Well, when I got home from work after her weekend of being sick, she refused to nurse! She pulled her head away and cried and arched her back. She had never acted this way before and I was really confused. I tried a few more times but she had the same reaction EVERY time. I was really confused and really sad about it. Eventually I gave her a bottle and she took it with great relief. This seemingly isolated event turned into a pattern turned into the end of nursing and the beginning of exclusive bottles. I did a lot of searching about 'baby refusing to nurse' and most information online said that if a baby refuses to nurse before one year then it is a nursing strike and the baby is not self weaning. A nursing strike? I could handle that! I tried to nurse her for an entire month and even went one whole day refusing her bottles in hopes that she would turn to nursing and she didn't so that was a sad, torturous bust. I felt guilty all day long feeling like I was starving her because I wanted her to WANT to nurse because it was something I wanted so badly.

I was so crushed by the this 'nursing strike' that I asked Jamie for a blessing. He blessed both of us and probably the cutest thing to come out of that blessing was a drawing that Asher did of Jamie blessing me while I held Sloane. It was adorable (she played with a toy throughout the blessing but dropped it at one point but Maeve quickly picked it up and gave it back to her). Although the blessing provided comfort--Sloane never nursed again. I was devastated because she's my last baby babe and I wanted to nurse for her at least 18 months and to have that dream obliterated 11 months prematurely was heart crushing. Sloane is not a snuggly baby so if I couldn't nurse her-how would I have quiet, tender times with her?

The greatest tragedy in all of this was not enjoying that last time I nursed her--I probably looked at my phone and missed the opportunity to live in the moment with her. I wish more than anything to have that moment restored so that I could itemize every detail about that luscious baby and how it felt to be connected to her. I want to so badly to take back that moment and make it linger as long as possible. I'm sad about this and will carry this sadness with me for the rest of my life. Just as I will always mourn the finality of fertility--of never having another child--I'll add this to that sadness. 

At least I came away from this unexpected tragedy with a thriving, healthy and glorious baby who still clung to me and found all of her comfort from me. That is something I will always celebrate as part of my experience with Sloane. I've now pumped exclusively for twins, had to wean a nursing loving 18-month-old and now I'm back to pumping exclusively for a baby who did her best to like nursing.